What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop

HR: The delivery job is yours. Me: Great! HR: Do u have a reliable car? Me: Yes. HR: Model? Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today He doesn't know it, but this is the best date in a long time

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work. Me: I talk to myself when I'm driving sometimes too, it's ok. Boss: Just get out.

[slips the bus driver 20] "Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?"

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I'm definitely going to get the license this time.

[Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck

Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...

Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship

Man insisted on pumping my gas. Didn't turn into an euphemism until he squirted all over the side of my car & asked if that's how I like it.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu

Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

9: My teacher doesn't wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn't need it because she's younger. Me: Get out of the car.

"What you don't know won't hurt you." Oh, yeah good logic. Unless what I "don't know" about is the man waiting for me in the parking lot.

Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

For Valentine's Day my GF upped my life insurance policy. Unrelated, anyone know why there's a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?