Vampire Jokes

What did one lesbian vampire say to her lover? ...see you next month.

How do you know when a vampire is sick? He starts coffin...

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month."

How can you tell when a vampire is sick? By his coffin!

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart.

Why is it so easy to fool a vampire? Because they're a bunch of suckers.

What kind of guy enjoys a girl on her period? A vampire

What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten? Premature Edraculation

What do you call an asthmatic vampire? Vlad The Inhaler.

What does a vampire on a diet drink? Blood Lite Thanks Jim Butcher...

How does Dracula eat his food? In size pieces

Why wasn't the vampire killed? The vampire hunter made a miss-stake.

What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire? One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.

Where does Dracula keep his tools? The blood shed.

Dracula & Frankenstein are in the heavyweight championship. Who wins? Dracula. Frankenstein went down for the count.

What does a self-conscious vampire say? "I'm going to suck.."

What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf? A creature that sucks blood from your knees.

What did the lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? "See you next month"

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.

A woman baked two cakes to sell at her village fete – one for $5, the other for $10. A man soon expressed an interest in buying one and, pointing at the $10 cake, asked her: "What type of cake is that?" The woman replied: "That's Madeira cake." Did you hear about the German vampire who became a poet? He went from bat to verse.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You wa…

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume." "No, no, really," he insists. "…

Question: “What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?” Answer: “Lots of blood tests!”

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner! So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.” “Ver…

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. …