The Police Jokes

A drunk stumbles up to a police officer... A drunk stumbles up to a police officer and says, ""Officer, somebody stole my car!"" The police officer asks where he last saw it, to which he replies, ""On the end of this key."" Shaking his head the officer replies ""Yeah, why don't you go on down to the station and fill out a report."" The drunk agrees, and as he is walking away the officer stops him and says ""Hey, just so you know, your fly is down."" The drunk looks and says ""Ah, man, they got m…

I was in an AWESOME undercover band once No one was sure if we were The Police.

A black man walks into a police station... The police chief asks the cop... ""so did you shoot him? Did you choke him out? Whats the problem here?""

My friend was knocked down and killed by a speeding truck full of designer Versace dresses The police said he was a fashion victim

Threw my new neighbors a house-warming party... The police called it arson. Whatever...

Blonde joke I heard a while ago A red head, brunet, and a blonde were robbing a building. They heard the police and didn't have time to escape so they all hid in in the bag they were carrying. The police officer walks up to the bag with the red head in it and give it a kick and she says, ""Meow, meow.""The police officer says, ""It must be a bag of cats."" He then kicks the bag with the brunet in it and she says, ""Woof, woof."" The police officer says, ""It must be a bag of dogs."" He walks up …

A gay man killed his cheating boyfriend The Police call it ""homocide""

Ray Manzarek, Ric Ocasek, and Sting were talking about forming a new band after moving on from their previous bands. They were going to call themselves The Police Car Doors.

Police, Police, there is a fight going on A kid goes up to a police officer: ""Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"" The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier? The kid answers: ""Because my dad was winning at that time!""

Woman speeding There was a woman speeding down the highway, and a police officer pulled her over. He asked her if she knew why he pulled her over. She shrugged. ""Can I see your license and registration?"" The police officer asked. ""NO, i stole this car."" The woman replied. The police officer looked shocked. ""I also hacked up the owner, he is in the trunk."" The woman said. The police officer backed up. ""I need backup,"" he said into his mic. Another police officer came a couple minutes late…

There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ... The police believe they're still at large.

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. ""Look here, old chap, what are you doing?"" the officer asked. ""I'm sorry,"" the American replied, but I really gotta go."" ""You can't do that here,"" the officer told him. ""Look, follow me."" …

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job. He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says: "Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?" The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says: "You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?" The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $…

An officer pulls over a car full of nuns... A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong …

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. "Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each cr…

Drunk A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. ' “Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.'' The cop obliges by opening the door. “You shee that piano?'' the drunk began. ''Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me!'' When The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. …

An officer pulls over a car full of nuns... A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. ""Why are you going so slow?"" The nun that was driving then replied ""That sign right there says 20."" The police officer looked at the sign. ""That's the highway number that you are on."" ""Oh

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem." The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?" The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?" She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The …

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased. "This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop. "My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop. "But how do we know which is which?" They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea. "Lets cut off this ones tail." The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief …