Jesuss Jokes

Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school... The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?" The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin. Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" "Correct," said the teacher. Johnny then fell back asleep. The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?" Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him. Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!" "Correct," said the teacher once more. Johnny fell back asleep. The t…

Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing... They are both having great rounds until they reach the 7th hole. They hit their drives reasonably close to each other in front of a water hazard. Moses then says to Jesus, "You know, you should really use the six iron." Jesus then looks to Moses and says, "No, if Tiger Woods can use the seven iron, then I can use the seven iron." Jesus approaches his ball, and hits it less than 5 yards right into the water hazard. Moses walks over to the hazard, splits th…

God had asked Jesus and the Devil to type out their quarterly reviews... They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."

Jesus on the cross.. After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. "Peteeer", he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr". Peter, the must loy…

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain. "Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen. His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, how the man mustn't use the lords name in vain. "Jesus …

Jesus's favorite gun My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it. He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun." I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.

The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that. After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you win you can stay in peace". The Jews then spent the next 3 days searching the country for their most learned rabbi. Upon finding him they brought him b…

Why couldn't Jesus's eat m&m's? They kept falling threw the holes in his hands.

What is Jesus's go-to pickup line? Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?

What was Jesus's least favourite exercise class? Pontius Pilates.

What was Jesus's least favorite bone? The blasfemur

What is Jesus's least favorite gun? A nail gun.

Whats Jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun