Dating Jokes

Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..

*tries to get a life. Life: I have a girlfriend.

Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

[dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night. Awkward.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing.

Me: What's one thing you don't like about your girlfriend? Him: She doesn't swallow. Me: What? How does she eat?

"YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.

My Aunt Rosie has sent me so many Candy Crush invites that I've legitimately stopped loving her

I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

Boyfriend wants me to eat loads of purple candy so I can "dye" his balls for Easter. He better trim the grass first.

"Sorry but It's me or the label maker." [takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt] "Thank y-" [sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it's obvious who's having a better day.

Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...

Relationship status: My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she's ok now, I was caught.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend? 8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it

*meteor is about to hit earth* Earth: I have a boyfriend

IF UR DATING SOMEONE AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU FRIES WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother's bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.