Dating Jokes

My new girlfriend is a sandwich artist and she's really into roll play

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.

DATING TIP: On a bad dinner date? Bite your tongue until your mouth fills with blood, say "I must be allergic to this bread" and then leave.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."

GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank

Girlfriend: "I'm pregnant" Me: "Really? Thats great." GF: "April Fo--" *I'm already on a plane to a non extradition country*

ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber. Genie: Be realistic. Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend. Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed

[girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone. I'll prove her wrong when I find it.

I just tinder matched with a block of cheese.

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.

Reminder to any new followers...Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site...lesson learned...like 4 times.

Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.

"BUT WE'RE DATING!" the blonde screams, "I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND." "You were" Hefner chuckles. "Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."

One way to find out if your crush likes you is: Who cares. People are horrible and it's better to be alone.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge? ADAM: no...it was my girlfriend GOD: who? ADAM: u don't know her she goes to a different school

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.