Dating Jokes

My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Me: "Hey Siri, I nee-..." Siri: "Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."

If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.

When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

None of my boyfriends even know they're dating me.

Sorry I yelled, "Sweep the leg!" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice.

Jumps into shower Shower : I have a boyfriend

[ Boyfriend walks into the room ] Well, well, well....if it isn't the boy who tried to break up with me in a dream last night.

Right now, several billion people aren't dating you. How rude is that?

mom: who's your background? me: my boyfriend mom: can i meet him? me: not before i do mom: what? me: what?

Dating tip: Don't offer to pay. It's a sign of weakness. Build trust through mutual agreement to steal. No one suspects the "happy couple."

Pinterest could've been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn't be a single cat lady left.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she's never used Chanel 1-4 Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he's back here again

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: 'I think I want to see other people.' My reply was, 'You better look out the window.'

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don't have iPhone. 2) I don't have a girlfriend.

If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?

I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back

My girlfriend says she's my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing

Just complained to my girlfriend that my iPhone battery wasn't lasting more than 2 hours & it dawned on me that I'm white & totally spoiled.

My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

My boyfriend isn't allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.

My boyfriend said that I'm more than enough woman for him, and now I'm mad because I think he called me fat.