Dating Jokes

Which online dating site connects me with single-malt liquor in my area?

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Girlfriend: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Me: "Stop blaming the dresses.

I think my first girlfriend broke up with me because anytime she called me crying I'd say, "What's the matter? You sound really fat."

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we've had no luck trying to have one naturally.

Yes, 911?... Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him...or her?

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.

*tries online dating* Oh...oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow

Jesus: *resurrected* Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.

LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench BENCH: I have a boyfriend

This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I'm dating him.

Don't tell my girlfriend but I'm the one who's been eating the soap

An app like Tinder that can find me episodes of Law & Order SVU I haven't seen.

I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, was briefly a groom once but that's a long story." Don't read your girlfriend's diary. Ever.

[speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding

*maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library.

[SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

'Nothing like a real book' I say 'The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!' My tree girlfriend's parents sway uncomfortably

I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

[date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct

maybe your boyfriend broke up with you cuz you called him baby instead of something cool like king wiener