Can't get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
DEATH: You're grounded! Get back here! DEATH'S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope* DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
thought I was watching Twilight for 45 min then I realized I was in an alley watching a dog bark at a dead cat next to some cardboard.#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu#Animals#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Play Mambo No. 5 at my funeral even if you have to fight my family#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.#Indians And Call#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Have you heard about the late great actor? "Wow, he's dead?" *Actor strolls in* Nope, just never on time.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Carrie" is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.#Carrie#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You're born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive......#Mick Jagger#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother? Using a Luigi board!#Super Mario#Luigi Board#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it#Money#Driving#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"..,you will die in seven days" *creepy voice on the phone* Me; "new phone, who dis?"#Technology#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Things that are loud: Jet engines Dynamite Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral Rock concerts#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp