Craig Ferguson Jokes

People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months. (Craig Ferguson)

I can't believe all of this violence and rioting is happening... ... all because Craig Ferguson is leaving his show.

An important time for any young man in Scotland is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to buy and wear his first kilt. A few weeks before his big birthday, wee Kenny went to a tailor's shop and decided on the material he wanted for his first kilt. And while he was there, he also asked the tailor if he could make a pair of underpants in the same material because he had heard that wearing a kilt could be draughty. A few days later, the tailor called Kenny to say that his order was ready. When Ke…

A wife said to her husband: "Do you want to go and see the new Madonna movie tonight?" "I'm a little tired, honey," he replied. "How about we go tomorrow night?" "Are you kidding?" said the wife. "This is a Madonna movie we're talking about. It might not be on tomorrow!" Madonna gives millions to charity, she's done lots of benefits, given a lot of money away. Her greatest gift, of course, to mankind is that she's promised never to do another movie. Craig Ferguson

A woman went into a tattoo parlour and asked the artist to tattoo a picture of Johnny Depp on her right upper thigh and Brad Pitt on her left upper thigh. The artist did so, and when he had finished he handed her a mirror so she could inspect the work. She looked at the right thigh and said: "Wow! That's definitely Johnny Depp. Just look at those eyes." Then she examined her left thigh but complained: "That doesn't look like Brad Pitt." The artist disagreed and suggested they settle the argument…