A woman went into a tattoo parlour and asked the artist to tattoo a picture of Johnny Depp on her right upper thigh and Brad Pitt on her left upper thigh. The artist did so, and when he had finished he handed her a mirror so she could inspect the work. She looked at the right thigh and said: "Wow! That's definitely Johnny Depp. Just look at those eyes." Then she examined her left thigh but complained: "That doesn't look like Brad Pitt." The artist disagreed and suggested they settle the argument by seeking the opinion of an impartial judge. So they went to the bar next door and asked an elderly guy to identify the tattoos. The woman raised her skirt and dropped her panties, and the old man put his face up close. "Well, ma'am," he concluded, "the one on your right thigh is definitely Johnny Depp. You can tell by the eyes and the cheek bones. The one on your left I'm not sure about – but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson." Nicole Kidman is pregnant. Isn't that lovely? And here's the great news – she still has the little bed Tom used to sleep in. Craig Ferguson