Chuck Norris Jokes

some macians can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

A deadly Texas Tornardo knows better than to damage or destroy any property or anything that belongs to Chuck Norris or any of his family if the Tornardo knows what is best for it because Chuck Norris is God.

Chuck Norris keeps his pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes.

Chuck Norris does not ""style"" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Every time someone uses the word ""intense"", Chuck Norris always replies ""you know what else is intense?"" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American ""Trail of Tears"" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a ""hole."" Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so strong, he can role a bowling ball up stairs...........without touching it.

Chuck Norris strikes fear into zombies.