An accountant read a nursery rhyme to his young child. Afterwards he said: "No, son, when Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, that wouldn't be tax deductible. But I like your thinking." What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? – "It's 10.12 and thirteen seconds . . . no, wait . . . fourteen seconds . . . no, wait . . . fifteen seconds . . ."

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

[a person with cold hands] DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE [a dog with cold paws] POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT