Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: ""No son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible but I like your thinking"".

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

[a person with cold hands] DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE [a dog with cold paws] POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT