My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn't eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

"Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?" - Karen

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.