"It's been months since I got laid." - Baby chickens

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'

My mom when I was a kid: "Never talk to strangers." "Never get in their cars." Me to my future kids: "Here's how to order an Uber."

If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."

Me: Ma'am your pet is loud. Lady: That's my baby. Me: Ma'am your pet baby is loud

My first child will be named New Folder.

What's the best iPhone app for telling a kid he's adopted?

Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.

Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with "aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!"

I like to point at pregnant women's bellies and ask "makin a baby, huh?". Then point to mine and say "got some poop brewin over here".

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy . Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

It's exhausting typing "NO ONE GIVES A SHIT" to all your friends' baby pics on Facebook.

as a kid, if i misbehaved my dad would come into my room and shoot me in my head with a real gun, killing me. it made me a stronger person.

"nice dog or cat or baby or whatever" i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. "was it expensive?"

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.

[date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I'm done ME: ruh roh

Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.

If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?