When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed

Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy.

It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.

14 years ago tonight, a loaf of frozen reindeer shit fell from the sky & struck my father, killing him instantly.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.

reminder that Pop Secret was initially very poorly translated in Japan, where it was called "Deceptions of the Father"

This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

"Have a seat" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* "Dad I..." **Dad puts up hand* "Please don't call me that."

Hush little baby, Don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn't have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

u have one (1) new dad. click here to accept Todd.

*falls down* Mom: What was that? Me: My shirt fell Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt Me: I was in it

[baby is bouncing in swing seat] I I wish I had one of those. HER DAD They bring great joy. I (to self) Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

Asians are bad drivers cuz they're used to riding pandas while eating rice is that racist enough for you dad I'm sorry I wasn't in the war

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.

If I could really LMAO, I could get into these jeans my mom has saved for me since high school.

[hunting] DAD: dont scare him ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute DEER: holy shit DAD: what did i just say

The biggest thing I've learned at art school is the art of disappointing my father.

dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more

*Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*

"daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."

Facebook has a link to "Report a Problem" so I wrote "I'm not very close with my father." Now we wait I guess