Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war sober

[Date] Her: Any hobbies? Me: Monging mostly. Her: Huh? Me: I'm a monger Her: Huh? Me: Iron, fish, war... You name it -- I'll monger it

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

[tense situation in the war room] "Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it'll blow.1-4-7-teen" CRAP [huge explosion]

Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

I'm wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

[at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"

I wouldn't do well in war because the bravest thing I've ever done was post an Instagram photo with no filter.

General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

I might be overreacting, but being forced to scroll past other countries in a drop down menu makes me want to start a world war.

me: *lights cig* do u smoke? girl: no, cigarettes killed my father me: oh, cancer..? her: no, an army of them, gunned him down me: wait what

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

War is never the answer. Unless the question is "What's never the answer?"

If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.

1. Change last name to Crunch. 2. Join the military. 3. Work my way up to Captain. 4. Become Captain Crunch. 5. WIN LIFE

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.

Top Gun (PG) - 1986 A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots' bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them - 110 mins

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

"MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

In general, the wronger it is, the louder it's shouted.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

So how does this work now? Does General McChrystal have to give up his Foursquare "Mayor specials" in Kandahar?