Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that? Me: In the front or back of the car?

My stainless steel appliances double as police style fingerprinting kits.

A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

If you ask a police dog if he's a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket* Ok stand back "Detective, what are u doing?" What does it look like, I'm launching this investigation

But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it...

COP: Freeze!!! EXCEL: LOL no problem

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I'm fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

[fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear

Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else's children. Hug the arresting officer.

Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop

[police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I'm like "OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE"

Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking

Its not what it looks like officer! "you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n'sync" Ok I guess it was what it looked like

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

Keep a baby with you at all times in case you need to throw it at someone who tries to arrest you.

*Cop Dog radios in* We've got an armed robbery in progress "What's that boy?" An armed robbery on 5th "Timmy's stuck in a well??"

crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears "Lucky." On repeat.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer

Customs Police: Do you have anything to claim? Me: A hot dog is a sandwich. Cop: "Please step out of the vehicle"

*passes cop car with radar gun *stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days