You still have 10 more hours to lose all the weight from your last New Year's resolution. Hurry !

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store

*pulls fire alarm in apt building* *everyone runs outside* [Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.

No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Nachos on Christmas Eve. We're celebrating the birth of cheeses!

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going "I could just wrap that."

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don't they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Please keep the Christ in Christmas, because HalloChristween would just be weird.

Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display

Kids, on Christmas Eve Santa WILL break in to your house. He wants to STEAL YOUR COOKIES. If he has an "accident" the law is on your side.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

The unemployment rate rose to 9.8% and Twitter is expected to see about a 10% hike to hit 200 million users by New Year's. Coincidence? No.

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

I'm pregaming for Thanksgiving by eating 15 ham steaks and yelling at someone's family.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.