"This town ain't big enough for the two of us." -Someone who is terrible at English, science, and geography.

Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy

9: Mom! Where's my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum "In your closet, why?" 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!

just ran into my high school biology teacher. she said "i figured you'd have cured cancer by now." then i washed bird shit off her tahoe

Imagine if Batman accidentally dropped that atom bomb on the bus full of orphans, then looked at the camera & made the Jim Halpert face.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Don't make a scientist mad. They will research you.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn't seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

I worry that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"

Wife: "You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you." Me: "I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"

"Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected." Why? "You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus."

i did a lot of experimenting in my teen years. i knew that's what i'd have to do to become the caliber of scientist i am today

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation. Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven't fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.

Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I'm no scientist, but I don't think it's possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

SCIENCE: If you have another person posing with you in your twitter avatar, 100% of the time you're the uglier one.

"He's gone too far." "He crossed the line between science & ethics." "He's playing God." -reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

She blinded me with Science. Okay, it was pepper spray.

Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god? Me: oh, um, science.

I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

"My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings," said the awesome scientist in my imagination.