NYPD officers accidentally shot two tourists in Times Square, but in the cop's defense, the tourists were about to eat at Olive Garden

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

Me: I've lost my kitten Cop: How would you best describe him? Me: He looks like a miniature cat

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

the easy way to tell between local police and state troopers is that state troopers usually have more brightly colored, magnificent feathers

"You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.

Police - OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone

Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."

[interrogation] Bad Cop: *face way too close to Shakira's waistline* tell me what I want to know

*goes 100mph in Prius *gets pulled over by police Cop: HOW

Boss: Are you high? Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

british cops are calld "bobbys"& dont hav guns. i kno a kid in 3rd grade named bobby who has no gun. hes basically a cop if he go to england

Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal* ok relax, just be cool.. "bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy"

Cop: You been drinking?nnMe: No.nnCop: Say the alphabet backwards.nnMe: Alphabet the. nnCop: Hilarious. Say each letter.nnMe: Each letter.

I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.

British police don't carry guns. So what exactly do they do then? Yell "STOP... OR I'LL SAY STOP AGAIN!"

COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT