Coworker: How are you doing this morning? Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like "core competency" or "design out the problem" or "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today"

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime? *Leaps into garbage compactor*

Apparently you're not supposed to tell "That's what she said jokes" during the Board meeting because it's "inappropriate"

Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy. ( _) ( _)>- (_) Just take a day off

Back in my day we didn't call meeting strangers from the Internet in random places for a weekend "tweet ups" we called it "shit you dont do"

Show up late for a meeting and say, "Sorry, I have the WORST hangover." Then, whip out a copy of "The Hangover Part 2" and laugh and laugh.

Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It's snowing again! Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson's family is off limits.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

[job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."

It would be funny if after making love to Jennifer Lawrence she stood up & fired 50 or 60 arrows into my sweaty body.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

[just meeting a new group of people] My brain: say something cool and different Me: HOW YA'LL GOT?? Brain: nice

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Just updated my resume. Changed 'ambitious' to 'am-no-longer-bitious'.

[Wrench factory] BOSS: I'm proud to say it's been 250 days without an injury! WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome] well hello there mister home wrecker

*16 calls me at office* 16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight? Me: No 16: You're out of beer Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

The cleaning people unplugged my radio and lost my settings, so I'm shooting fingernail clippings all over my office floor to punish them.