Cop : "Lets Do a drug test" Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"

I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

"POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP." Show me a badge. *cop gets badge out* I didn't say Simon Says. "Let's go home guys. Sorry, my fault."

Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer...

If I was in charge of SWAT I'd change the name to the "Special Weapons And Grenades" team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated." Ian: "Hate crime?" Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop. Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer. DD: U sure? Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

*gets pulled over by police* *shows a little skin* Officer: "Who's skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir."

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out. Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank

There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

*pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Cop: What happened? Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats. Cop: Can you describe the accident. Me: Adorable?

If an officer asks "do you know why I pulled you over" "Because it's the only way to get girls to talk to you?" is a bad answer, apparently.

"Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest." Britney Spears whispers, "Amateur."

Good cop: where's the body? Bad cop: answer him! *pounds table* Jenga cop: God damn it!

Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack? -Weed

Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.

I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.