Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.

Well hello, "Party-Size" bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

*adds lol to the end of a message to sound less mean*

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

I'm doing interval training. It's just that the intervals are very far apart.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.

The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.

I never drop names but I frequently drop babies.

I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.

Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.

I'm so poor I can't even pay for my own consequences.

"Hey, my face is UP HERE and also OVER HERE" - woman in Picasso painting

I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.

Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

Follow your dreams, into traffic.

At my age, a "stiffy" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.