Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was "he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid's ears"

Favstar is like that uncle we all have, he never works, but comes around every few months asking for money.

Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way? We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right?

For once in my life, I'd just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how'd he ever survive.

Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it's gone.

Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

"Daddy, are we poor?" Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No. "Compared to my friends?" Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

95% of the men's fashion budget on 'American Idol' goes to leather cuff bracelets and wallet chains.

Poor Richard Simmons. He got tangled in his work-out mat, and now he's a fruit roll-up.

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

*murderer looking for me* Murderer: I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me... Me under bed: *cry sings* He's just a poor boy from a poor family

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Never mind money, jobs, and real estate...I wonder what the youngs will do to us when they realize we've taken all the good usernames?

It's actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Freddie Mercury: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I'M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages! I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'

[Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?

Wired: "Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Amazon: "We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?"

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.