Grammar is: 1. How we structure our sentences. 2. Grandpa's wife. Some of you will pick number two.

One day she says "Treat me like a princess," the next she's pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women...

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.

I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet.

If you don't want to be there today, just say "I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car

"Can I help you find something?" I'm looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says "sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite"

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches

[HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

If you want her - tell her. If you need her - show her. If you yearn for her - touch her. Just make sure her husband's not at home.

NEW! "How to Act" DVD by Kristen Stewart! In love: :| Uncertain: :| Just married: :| Pregnant: :| Dead: :| Only $139.95! Act now!

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."

*walks in *wife is murdered *looks at mirror (Written in blood) YOUR NEXT "My next what? *from the closet "Oh sorry typo I meant you're.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting "The Walking Dead." Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you.

adam sandler's wife is madam sandler

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

"If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos

My boss asked me why I'm late, apparently answering "because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed" just gets you sent to HR.

My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick