Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting "The Walking Dead." Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you.

"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"