I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won't judge u for making a beautiful rug

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh? JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

[spelling bee] Your word is 'effusive' "E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E" That is correct. What was your name? "It's Siv" I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

[Founding Fathers] -But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth? -They swear on a bible? -Thats stupid -Hey lunch's here -Done[gavel]

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th? ME: alibi school LAWYER: can u prove this? ME: wait, the 13th? LAWYER: ya ME: k no I was murdering that day

*pulls away from kissing* JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you're still guilty.

Your honor, may I approach the bench? "You may." *walks up to bench* *boops judge's nose*

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I'll let u go free ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

[courtroom] Timothy: I was not involved Victor: Nor was I Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri- Judge: You're all going to jail

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped. Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

The only honorable thing I've ever done in my life is this girl named Judy. Although, I'm starting to have doubts she was a real judge.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

*spelling bee* Me: b-e-e Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell- Me: B-E-E Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong

It's called "courting" a girl because you're supposed to take them to a basketball court and dunk on them repeatedly I hope

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? "I'm not. that. innocent." *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids ME: no wait they do the same thing

[First date] Her: i'm a criminal lawyer, what do you do? Me: really, well it just so happens that I... (trying to impress her) ...am a criminal

*climbs into windowless van* *puts on "Free Hugs" t-shirt* *heads out to make new friends* *fails* *waits for lawyer in windowless room*

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...

Only God can judge me. *gets hit by lightning*

JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct