Cat doesn't realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

If I haunt your house after I die and you hear strange noises, I probably just want you to change the TV channel. Please don't ghostbust me.

[estate planning] Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift? Me: I'll be dead, that's a big enough gift for everyone

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic

No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.

i signed up for the cheapest life insurance i could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when i die

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.

<gets on elevator > Pushes all the buttons Hugs everyone Prays out loud that we're not going to die Gets off at the 2nd floor Laughs

is there a sadder metaphor of ur adulthood destroying ur childhood than the fact that to get to work evryday u hav to burn up dead dinosaurs

Having trouble keeping track of which celebrities are alive and which ones are dead? Here, use my Heath ledger.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won't dig you up and slap you around when I'm feeling mad at skeletons

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.

I always open the bathroom door at Starbucks like I'm about to find a dead body in there.

I'd rather die than have an egg on my hamburger but to be fair I already sort of wanted to die

Headed to a funeral. #yolo

I don't need life insurance because the world will stop existing when I die.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it'll take me to dig my own grave.

All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.