Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.

my girlfriend folded the corner on a page of my new book, rather than use a bookmark. so i gently folded her credit card, until it snapped.

My boyfriend thinks I'm not funny. Whatever, at least I'm a real person.

Oh dear. This black lady on the Maury show is so upset. I think the gentleman she's been dating has let her down in some way.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Dating tip: Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you

Ask a man if he's critiquing your work... Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you. Single Men say: Yes Married Men: Try to hide

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

*Holds door for woman *Slams door in her boyfriend's face

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Girlfriend gone and no Internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music.

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you're already married to them.

Choosy moms choose Jif. Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.

1. Tattoo "I'M WATCHING YOU" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him

I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."

I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered he's imaginary. So I'm good.

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot

Sorry I yelled "April Fool's" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.