Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

"So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*

Yes, 911?... Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him...or her?