If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they're DEAD. Plants are ALIVE, vegans. You disgust me.

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90's I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

Dear Monday. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my weekend. Prepare to die.

*approaches girl in bar* *passes right through her* *i've been dead for 73 years*

Me: Can I leave early? Boss: Why? Me: Death Boss: Who died? Me: No one yet Boss: Me: Boss: Get out

*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.

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If you were playing a drinking game where you took a sip every time they said "Lebron," you'd die.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting "The Walking Dead." Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you.

I'm rubber, you're glue. I'm destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away "surrounded by family," do you picture murder, or suicide?

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient. Ex: Please die ;)

Dawn's coming over. "Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?" *Dawn walks in* "WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the lady I'm framing for murder.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.

God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell

Oregon Trail 2016: Jayden has a gluten allergy. You can't even ford the river rn. Purchase one woke of oxen? Madison is literally dead

People who say they'll be late for their own funeral* *trust me. you'll make it.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.