Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.

Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

what's your pitch? "so this guy steals from the rich..." ok "and gives to the poor" nice. what's his name? "Robin..." haha I love it "Hood" wait

New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.

I'm not poor. I'm big-loaned.

I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

a fun way to save money this christmas season is to change your name and move away

Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time' 'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.' So I robbed a bank

Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."

there's no way leo dicaprio cares about winning an oscar as much as we care about imagining that SOMETHING torments a rich handsome actor

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I can always tell which waiters are just in it to make money and which are in it for the love of grossly exaggerating how hot plates are.

I save money on condoms by not getting laid.

I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money.

I don't know how to do my own taxes or understand how the stock market works, but definitely listen to my political opinions on everything

Don't buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."

Money doesn't impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

People drinking wine in nice restaurants at 2:30 pm - Who are you and how do you get the time and money? Teach me.

I suck at video games. I mess up the character's life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.