Work Jokes

[Job Interview] How would you describe your time management skills? Me: Can we talk about this later? I'm late for an appointment.

Boss: Are you done with those reports yet? Me: Can you stop hovering over me? Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack] Me: Much better.

Sir your resume is just a list of songs you can play in Guitar Hero on expert "yea" Even trogdor? "fo sho" Alright, welcome to Led Zeppelin

My boss asked me why I'm late, apparently answering "because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed" just gets you sent to HR.

Interview Boss: What could you bring to this company? Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

[meeting] Bill: we'll call it BILLOSOPHY Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren't my kids but he'd never fire a Mom of seven, right?

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is "I look fantastic in large hats."

I lost my voice. If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.

When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

Dogs are great for meeting girls. Pack of dogs attack a girl she's gonna need to go to a hospital. Who's gonna drive her? That's right. You.

[radioshack meeting] employee: sir, overall sales are really low. CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven? Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait? Boss: Today!

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

When I get fired, I assume they are going to show me a hidden-camera montage of me flipping off my boss and customers behind their backs.

About to hit the ball Boss: you said you'd played before? Me: uh yes Boss: that's a putter Me: Is that wrong? Boss: wrong for squash yes

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work. Me: I talk to myself when I'm driving sometimes too, it's ok. Boss: Just get out.

ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist "When can you come in for an interview?" ME: I'm flexible