Philip Jokes

I used to have this friend who always called me Fi-Fi You know, because my name is Philip. I was always disappointed that I couldn't do the same with her. Her name was Camille, that would've just been a shitty nickname.

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat. 'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!' 'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly. 'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can't kill someone who reminds me of her!' So he jumps to the husband with the knife. 'And you, what's *your* name?' he questions the husband. The husband replies with a trembl…

I had to Seymour Hoffman at the gas station today You know, Philip?

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Chooses the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas…

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealo…

Five men are stranded in the desert after their plane crashes. (This is a joke to be told rather than read. With as big an audience as possible. Exaggerated actions and yarn-spinning positively encouraged.) A plane is downed in the Sahara desert. Five men survive the crash, stranded in the middle of the harsh and unforgiving dust of Northern Africa. They have five bottles of water between them, and decide to try and walk towards civilisation. Weary, shaken and delirious, they set off on their jo…

A clownfish, a crab, and a shark met in the ocean. The clownfish said "My name is Markus, but humans usualy call me Nemo". The crab said "My name is Philip, but humans usualy call me mister Krabs". The shark said "My name is Kevin, but humans always call me AAAAAAAH!".

What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more? Philip Hoffman's belt.