Food Jokes

If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

I only buy expensive baby food with cute babies on the label because I'm willing to pay extra if it means my kids aren't eating ugly babies.

Like I know pizza is a thing that everyone likes and talks about liking but sometimes I take a bite and am overwhelmed by how perfect it is.

Ordering a decaf coffee is like ordering a picture of food

I don't mind if you tell me about the new diet you're on as long as you give me equal time to talk with you about my favorite doughnuts.

*at the gym* Trainor: Have a donut. Me: Wow! Sure! T: Here's some pizza. M: What kind of trainer are you? T: I'm a Megan Trainor.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I'd just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

Do you want to get dinner sometime? Sorry, I said that wrong. Do you want to get me dinner sometime? Like deliver food to me and then leave?

The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet.

Thursday is "date night", when I force my family to eat all the expired food in our fridge.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog

Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.

"Have a seat" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* "Dad I..." **Dad puts up hand* "Please don't call me that."

Dear Kirstie Alley, We're really pulling for you on your new diet. Sincerely, Chairs

Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside

If kittens tasted like pizza I would totally be a cat person.

Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We're all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.

I've been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison

Currently eating organic raspberries that I didn't wash over my kitchen sink, in case any ladies out there dig the whole "bad boy" persona.