First Child Jokes

what does a british person say to congratulate a friend when he hears they are having their first child after joining a reptile gang? well, chap, you're a propa-gator now.

James calls a doc for help... Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now. Doctor: Is this her first child? James: Nope. It's her husband!

Mrs Sally's Kindergarten class. Mrs Sally's kindergarten class was coming in from recess. As the children walked in Mrs Sally asked them what they did during recess. The first child was a little white boy named Jimmy. ""Now Jimmy, what did you do today during recess?"" Said Mrs Sally. Jimmy said ""I played in the sand box with Karli and Gabe!"" ""That's great, Jimmy! If can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie."" Said Mrs Sally ""S-a-n-d, sand!"" Gloriously belted Jimmy. ""That's right, Jimmy!""…

My wife was pregnant with our third child... My wife was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, we had been having some complications and had been seeing a special Ob/Gyn but everything seemed to be going fine. Except my wife went into labor just a little early by just a couple weeks. We called our doctor's office, and of course, our specialist was unavailable, so we got patched in to whatever B-Team doctor they had available that evening. He got on the phone and I told him we believed…

The first dad joke you'll make A guy calls the hospital. He says, ""You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"" The nurse says, ""Calm down. Is this her first child?"" He says, ""No! This is her husband!""

3 Native American boys ask their father how they got their names The first child asks, ""Father, how did I get the name Soaring Eagle?"" The father replies, ""After you were born, I walked out of the teepee, and the very first thing I saw was a majestic eagle soaring past the sun."" The second child asks, ""Well then how did I get my name Running Bull?"" The father says, ""My son, after you were born, I walked out of the teeppee and the very first thing I saw was a beautiful bull running across …

So, medical technology develops a new sympathetic wireless device... Two very soon-to-be parents arrive at the hospital, with the future mother already well into labor. The pediatrician offers the couple the first chance to test out the new technology, which allows the father and mother of the child to experience childbirth together, with all its pains and joys. The father agrees. How sensitive of this man! He wants to share this once in a life time experience with his wife. The doc hooks them u…

Family names their children after the first thing that touches their face. A family has three children. They name each children after the first thing that crosses against their face. One day they are walking down the street in a park when a lady stops to comment on how beautiful their first child is. She then asks ""What is his name?"" ""His name is Leaf,"" they said. ""That's an interesting name. Why did you pick a name like leaf?"" ""Because when he was born, a leaf crossed against her cheek."…

John eagerly awaits for his first child to be born... After 9 hours in labor his wife gives birth to a baby boy, Henry. John is so overcome with joy, he vows always to keep him happy and offer him the best in life. Henry is 5 years old. John ask him ""Henry, what do you want for your birthday?"" Henry says ""a pingpong ball"" John is confused at first. So John gets him a brand new bike. Henry is 16 years old. He gets his first job and quickly rises to assistant manager. John is so proud of his s…

Dog and baby A couple were about to have their first child and concerned how their dog would take to the new arrival. The baby came and they were relieved when they saw no unusual behavior. Suddenly, after about a week, the dog stopped eating and drinking. The couple rushed their beloved pet to the vet where they discovered that the dog had eaten a soiled diaper. When the couple were reunited with their dog, the dog said, ""I'm sorry, I thought it was Indian food""

Kanye and Kim name their first child North West... ....in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction

An Irish man is praying... and he says ""Lord, as you know, my wife is in labor with our first child. If you'll just open up a parking spot... You know how much I love the Guiness. I promise I'll give--- oop, never mind, found one!""

Southern Charm Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, ""When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."" The lady from the South commented, ""Well, bless your hea…

A guy calls the hospital. He says, ""You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"" The nurse says, ""Calm down. Is this her first child?"" He says, ""No! This is her husband!""

First Child This is an original that I've only told friends so it should be new for you guys and gals: A husband and wife arrive at a hospital for the delivery of their first child. The wife enters the delivery room with the doctor and nurses while the husband is sitting in the waiting room. About an hour goes by and the doctor comes out to speak to the husband. Doctor: ""I've got some good news"" Husband: ""I'm the proud Father of a health baby?"" Doctor: [""Actually it's a stillborn, but I've …

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, ""When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."" The lady from the South commented, ""Well, isn't that precious?"" The first wom…

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said ""When you can read this come back and see me.""

Something about an optimist and a pessimist. I couldn't think of a good title for this one. Once upon a time, there was a mom and dad that had two children. One of them was an optimist, the other a pessimist. Wanting to understand why the two children were so different, they consulted a psychiatrist, who set up an experiment to help figure it out. The psychiatrist led the first child into a room that was full of brand new toys. Immediately the child burst into tears. The psychiatrist asked…

A man phones 999... And shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Pregnant Lady on the Train A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the …

True Story. My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and …

Sam goes to the doctor... Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor. Doctor: How are you doing, Sam? Sam: Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child. Doctor: Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently. Sam: Oh yeah? What? Doctor: Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit. I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!' Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think …

I hope Jessica Biel names her first child Batmo.

There's a boy named Bonnie... There's a boy named Bonnie. He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy. But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he's so happy. After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him. She says yes, and he's so happy. When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be wi…