Bed Jokes

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

Frank get's hit by a bus... Frank get's hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gate. He says to Peter: 'I know I'm dead, but I want to see my wife and children one last time!' Peter says:'Okay, but I can't send you back as a human, you'll have to go back as a spider. Also you have to go down from right here at the gates of heaven by your own spun thread.' Because Frank really wanted to see his wife and children again he aggrees and is transformed in a spider. He start to spin…

Real men lay eggs..... Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make matters even stranger, the man's wearing a long flowing white robe. ""Who the hell are you?"" Jack demands, ""and what are you doing in my bedroom?"" With a completely straight face, whic…

Discovering heaven... John is on his way to his home after a hard day of work. After a few minutes of walking he sees a rope coming down from the shy. He's curious and climbs it. When he's at the top, he notices St. Petrus, who is waiting at the gate to heaven. ""So another dead man?"" he says. ""No"" answers John ""I just saw a rope that was coming down from the sky and climbed it. Would you mind if I take a quick look around the place?"" ""Not at all, but you have to get back here before 17.00…

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other ""Rufus!!"" Clarence would shout. ""You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"" ""Clarence!!!"" Rufus would holler back. ""You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I…

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?' The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.' The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked. She said, ""GET OUT FROM UNDER THE …

Doug comes home very drunk one night... He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell you that you are dead. You died of alcohol poisoning." Doug is upset, scared, saddened, everything all at once. "Dead? I never even got to say goodbye to my…

A nun wakes up one morning And as she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen the first door after hers opens up and another nun exits and says "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" As the first nun continues down the hallway this keeps happening. "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" By the end of the hallway, and 15 times later the first nun is LIVID, and marches straight…

The Re-incarnation of Ralph Ralph came stumbling home; drunk again after another late night at the local pub. He slid quietly into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He was awoken by a bright golden light, and he found himself standing before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You have died in your sleep Ralph. You drank yourself to death... You're in Heaven now. Welcome my son." Ralph was stunned. "WAIT! I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.…