[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom

- We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.

If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"