So there's this frog that decides he wants to update his lily pad... Cause his old one's getting a little haggard, but he doesn't have enough money. So he goes into a bank, and goes to the loan officer (his name is Paddydack); Paddydack: ""Hi Mr. Frog, what can I do for you today?"" Frog: ""I need a new lily pad."" Paddydack: ""Well what do you have for collateral for your loan?"" Scrambling through his things, the Frog says: ""Uhh, hmm, well I have this bottle cap that fell to the bottom of the…

Three friends meet up at the office, all hungover from the night before. Bill says ""Oh man. I feel so sick guys. I was so drunk last night that I forgot to call a cab. I ended up trying to drive home and got pulled over. The cop gave me a DUI and I ended up staying the night in jail."" Tom replied ""That's not so bad. I was so drunk last night that I barely managed to stumble home. I crawled up the stairs into bed with my wife. Later while I was asleep I heard her scream. I thought maybe someon…

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.