Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

How come the Government knows when I don't file my taxes, and when I leave the country, and when I take a shit - but still needs a census?