50 of the LEAST offensive jokes I know 1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? ""**Arrrr!**"" ""No. Ya'd think so, but me first love be the C"" 1. Why wasn't 6 excited that 7, her boyfriend, won her a prize at the fair? Because 711492. 1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. 1. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo' drizzle 1. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? Your funding pulled and a visit from the ethics committee. 1. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible. 1. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog salesman? ""Make me one with everything"" 1. What has four wheels and is green? Grass, i was just kidding about the wheels 1. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt. 1. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 1. Why is the ocean blue? Because all the little fishies in the ocean are going bloo bloo bloo! 1. How do you think the unthinkable? With an ""itheberg"". 1. A man walks into a bar. **Ouchie**! 1. Why is it when geese fly in a V, sometimes one side is longer than the other? There's more geese on that side. 1. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. 1. Why do you always put a baby in the blender feet first? So you can look into its eyes while you cum. 1. What's brown and sticky? A stick. 1. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat. 1. Two monkeys are having a bath. One monkey says ""ooh ooh ooh ooh AAAH AAAH AAAH!"" The other says ""Put some cold in, then"" 1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 1. Why are moon rocks better to eat than Earth rocks? Because, they're a little meteor. 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 1. ""Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"" ""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."" ""Is it common?"" Well, ""It's Not Unusual."" 1. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ""Does this taste funny to you?"" 1. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"" The doctor replied, ""I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"" 1. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 1. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did! 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 1. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 1. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ""A beer please, and one for the road."" 1. How does a Mexican cut their pizza? With little caesar's. 1. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff Ba dum tsss 1. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator! 1. Why do penguins walk softly? 'cause they can't hardly walk! 1. What's big, grey, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant. 1. Soldier, I didn't see you at the camouflage training this morning"" ""Thank you sir!"" 1. What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto! 1. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ""Where's my tractor?"" 1. What do you call an antelope that never succeeds? A Cantaloupe. 1. Trees worry me. I'm not sure why, they just always seemed shady to me. 1. How many bricks do you have after one falls off a plane? 499. 1. What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a freezer? Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door. 1. What are the four steps to putting a Hippo in a freezer? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the hippo in, close the door. 1. The king of Lions is throwing a party for all of the animals. Which doesn't make it? The hippo. It's in a freezer. 1. Little Mary crosses an alligator infested river, and gets across unharmed. How? The alligators are at the party. 1. Little Mary gets across and dies. Why? She got hit in the head with a brick. 1. What do you call a dog with no ears? I don't care what you call it, it ain't coming to ya. 1. A father tells his son ""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" The son is astounded ""Are you kidding? Really?"" ""Yup."" Says the father. ""Get ready, They'll be picking you up in about an hour."" 1. I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven.