Monkey at the bar A guy walks into a bar with a monkey following him and hops up on the bar stool, followed by his monkey. He orders a drink for him and the monkey, and the monkey reaches over for the basket of peanuts. Monkey picks up a peanut, looks at it intently, sticks it up his butt, takes it out and eats it. The bartender looks at the monkey, horrified at what it just did, and then to the man who showed no reaction at all. The bartender shrugs it off. A little while passes and the guy goe…

My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn't eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.