The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk. Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.

The NSA hired Sarah Palin so she could keep an eye on Edward Snowden

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.