A cannibal, a spy and a soldier... ...are at a bar one night in ancient Rome. The soldier is unusually quiet, drinking heavily and fighting back tears. "What's got you down?" the spy asks the soldier. He sighs. "I think my wife is cheating on me. She's out late at night, avoids me, ignores me, lately she hasn't come home at all. The signs point to her being unfaithful, and I don't know what to do." "Geez, that's a tough one, buddy," the cannibal says. He takes one last drink. "I have to h…

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos