[son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A miracle. ------------------------------------- A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, ""Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?"" The mechanic says, ""Sounds like a fair trade."" ------------------------------------- A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the ticket in, he asks the attendee what the prize is. ""First place is a Lada,"" he says. ""And what's second place?"" asks the man. ""Two Ladas,"" the attendee replies. --------------…