[3rd date] Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee? Ian: Sure! Kate: Have you got any condoms? Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people. I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell.

WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

Doctor: "Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!" Kate: "I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No. You have a tapeworm."