*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant* Me to waiter: "Actually, do you think I could have a fork?"

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Literally no one wants to be on the phone with you less than the lady who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant.