A Hollywood movie producer was lying beside the pool at the Beverly Hills Hilton when his business partner showed up in a state of high excitement. "How did the meeting go?" asked the first guy. "Great," said his associate. "Tarantino will write and direct for ten million, Tom Hanks will star for nine million, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million." "That's fantastic news!" said the guy by the pool. "There's just one snag," warned the associate. "What's that?" "We have to put up two thousand in cash." The best thing about buying illegal DVDs is that you don't have to sit through the warning not to buy illegal DVDs at the start. It just goes straight into the film. Dara O'Briain